The Difference Between "I Have To" and "I Get To" Saturday, January 8, 2011

Have you ever thought about the huge difference between the phrases "I have to" and "I get to"? In an age where there are so many opportunities vying for our attention, we tend to lose sight of the fact that the work we do and the families we raise are amazing privileges that swell or shrink with meaning and joy, according to the valuation and intentionality we put into appreciating and excelling in them.

I recently had a choice to view something as either an "I have to" or an "I get to". It was a 2,985 mile trip across America to deposit a son and his car in Jacksonville, Florida. It could be a task or an adventure...an endurance trial or a relationship privilege.

The years we invest as a parent have been painted by a consumer and career culture as "lost years." Although I do acknowledge that sometimes our children want or need us in times that are not convenient, in reality, the precious years of parenting go so fast. Why rush it? Why not revel in the friendship that can grow with teen and early twenties children? Why view its many task as "I have to" instead of "Wow, I get to do this for or with my kids or spouse. Man, I'm going to dig into it and cherish it, because we never know how long we'll have and relationships matter more than anything else."

This week, I thought I'd share an excerpt from my journal entry on our trip across the country. My hope is that you will not only enjoy reading about our adventures, but that you will recognize that viewing things as opportunities instead of drudgery can bring to life even the simple tasks at we do at work, the care we put into our home environment, and the joy we put into shuttering our kids to school, practice, parties, games, and more.

Enjoy reading our adventures. When you're finished, please leave a comment sharing an "I get to" experience of your own.

"Kory and I are driving across America to Jacksonville, Florida for his public relations internship, his first real job after college graduation. We aim for 600 miles a day with a little fun along the way. We played a 9-hole golf course in Butte Montana from 8:00pm up to darkness. It had wide, connecting fairways so we never lost our ball and we saw an amazing sunset while golfing. We drove on to Bozeman to spend the night, played catch with a football in parking lots along the way and called it a long, fun day.

Tuesday we got to Rapid City and cut down to Mount Rushmore which was excellent. But we males gave it the "we came, we saw, we conquered...and left". Soon, we were out of there, refueling our bodies at Arbys (more throwing the football in the parking lot) and back to the freeway before dark. I enjoyed a late night swim in Mitchell, South Dakota at our Best Western, as Kory got a call into his girlfriend.

Our only fight of the trip came in Montana as I tried to take his picture when he was driving with a backdrop out of his window of a great Montana cliff formation. He held up his hand to shield the camera and said "no". I insisted "yes, this is why I bought this $7 portable camera." I was mad. Kory was firm. I said it was "stupid" to not let me take his picture. He said I was "stupid" to insist. No picture, but he did begrudge me a semi-smiling photo of him with Mount Rushmore in the background.

Thursday night we spent our first night with friends, Michael and Debbie, and a few of their kids and dogs. Home cooked meals, conversation, a couple sessions of Jack Bauer intensity in "24" and we were ready for our fifth six-hundred mile day and arriving in Jacksonville on Friday night.

Kory got to swim in the Atlantic for the first time. We threw the football on a Jacksonville beach, our fifth state in which to toss the ball in a week. We met Kory's roommates and his bosses and I felt pretty darn good flying home Monday with the echo in my ears of Kory saying, "I could not have two nicer roommates or bosses". I shook his hand, told him I loved him and was crystal clear after spending a week with this great guy when I said "you're going to do great in this career of yours."

As President of Stronger Families, Jeff is passionate about casting a vision for improving family life and fostering a marriage movement in the Northwest and beyond. He played in the NFL, as a quarterback, for eleven years with the Rams, 49ers, Seahawks, and Eagles. Jeff has published articles in The Seattle Times, USA Today, and American Enterprise.

Visit http://www.strongerfamilies.org to take the free 7 Day Love Challenge. You will also find an array of resources to help you in your marriage, parenting, and finances.